Fixing Soccer

The soccer world is reeling right now over a recent investigation by Europol, an international police force, that over 600 soccer matches were fixed. People are outraged by this cheating, but I’m not really surprised.  It just proves my theory that all sports that people place wagers on are fixed, and to me, fake can be a very good thing.

First some details: A wealthy businessman in Singapore was paying players and officials to steer the outcome of soccer matches he had bet on.  The cheater’s mentor who taught him how to fix soccer matches is known as (I’m not even joking) “Mr. X.”  I picture some sadistic tough-talking brawler in a mask.  This whole situation reminds me of a fantastic pro wrestling scenario.

Fans of mainstream sports often laugh at pro wrestling because it is phoney baloney, just play-acting meant to stir up the fans but not a real competition.  Little do they realize that their own favorite sports are just as pre-determined as wrestling — the winner decided in advance of the match, the dramatic back-and-forth battle nothing more than theater.

As scandal after scandal in every major sport from hockey to college basketball to boxing (obviously) continue to unfold, it will be more difficult to separate pro wrestling as the misfit.  It seems to me that all sports are as fake and fixed as wrestling, but wrestling just does it sexier and in a more exciting way.

So my advice to soccer teams everywhere is, if you’re going to cheat anyway, embrace the fake and make your sport entertaining.  I would watch soccer if it was as hot as wrestling!

First of all, show us some skin — there are some great physiques hidden under those thick jerseys.  Instead of loose soccer shorts, think about spandex.

Also, soccer would be much more fun if they had Babyface teams who always follow the rules and Heel teams who cheat by pulling hair or kicking crotches behind the ref’s back.  (Probably there are already dirty players in soccer — I don’t follow the sport enough to know.)

Imagine a player attacking the Goalie and putting him in a Sleeperhold, which allows the cheating team to easily score?  I’d sure tune in for that, and so would many other boned-up fans.

Next I was going to say that soccer players could fake injuries and suffer beautifully like a pretty-boy tossed out of the ring.  But actually they do that already — it’s called “flopping” and most soccer players are so good at it, they could easily moonlight as suffering jobbers.

The rules on physical contact in soccer are a little vague.  You are allowed to bump someone to take the ball away, but tackling or holding are illegal.

I think soccer should allow much more physical contact.  I would sure be willing to watch a Zero-Zero game (hardly anybody scores in soccer anyway) if it included more Armbars and Backbreakers on the field of play.

And how about some gimmick matches to make soccer more exciting?  Maybe hold a Texas Bullrope match where opposing players are tied together by their wrists, or Fans Bring the Weapons match, or Loser Gets Their Heads Shaved. Maybe hold a Battle Royal and eject any player who steps out of bounds.

I’m sure many creative ideas could be found to boost ratings and excite the fans beyond just kicking a ball into a net.

Seriously, if they really wanted to stop gambling on soccer or any other sport, they would make the sport obviously, flamboyantly, blatantly fake.  Nobody would want to risk their money betting on a clearly non-competitive, easily controlled activity.  But most sports conceal the fakeness of their product, making it appear to be a legit competition.  At least pro wrestling has come clean and labeled itself “Sports Entertainment.”

Many sports have already benefited from injecting pro wrestling gimmicks into their product and giving the fans more to cheer about.  They’ve included some flamboyant, colorful athletes with catchy nicknames. They’ve made the outcomes more dramatic.  We’re seeing more trash talk and physical clashes between players outside the field of play.

The whole sports industry is a big work, meant to get the viewer to buy in, suspend disbelief, and get turned on by the action (so he will spend more money on the line of products associated with the sport).  I don’t have any problem with being manipulated like this, in fact I enjoy it.  I just look forward to the day when all sports admit they’re fake and go with it.