What Did I Do to Deserve This?!

The “Ion” network broadcasts WWE Main Event on Wednesday evenings.  Check your local listings.

On the May 29th episode, Justin Gabriel entered the ring looking more handsome, hopeful, and doomed than the law should allow.  This had me curious about just who was going to kick his ass this week, because if there is one thing I love about angel Gabriel, it’s that he always offers up the hot suffering we want to see.

Gabriel’s opponent is bad-ass Heel Antonio Cesaro.  YES!  This is going to be a great whipping — just the sort of squash match I crave.  Cesaro is the cruel muscle-man whose body looks like it was designed to hurt somebody. And Gabriel is the long-suffering Face with pretty hair and puppy dog eyes.  They really are a match made in heaven.

Cesaro generally drags Gabriel around by his long hair and crushes him with bicep-flexing Headlocks — Gabriel selling his agony all the while.  Cesaro is extra cruel tonight — jumping high in the air above poor Gabriel and slamming down both boots square into the guts.  UGGHHHN! goes Gabriel.  Cesaro seems to be in a nasty mood today — did he overdose on testosterone or something?

The match takes on an Old School vibe, both talented wrestlers knowing what we love to see and giving it to us in big doses. They work some classic holds such as some picture perfect Headlocks.

Some bloggers have commented on Cesaro’s unusual ring gear for this match — just plain old purple trunks with no knee pads, beret, or those strap things he usually wears around his thighs.  Did he lose his wrestling gear on the plane?  Did somebody steal it to sell it on eBay?  (PLEASE let me know if you see Cesaro’s gear for sale on eBay!)

Whatever the reason for his new wardrobe, this simple Trunks-N-Boots look gives Cesaro an old-school, classic Heel vibe.  And those purple trunks seem extra tight and stretchy (maybe he borrowed them from a smaller man…)

Meanwhile Cesaro demonstrates his incredible strength by hugging Gabriel’s neck, Headlocking him until he nearly passes out.

The wrestlers continue to push my buttons, displaying all the moves and poses I dig.  Brawny Cesaro easily throws the smaller man around like a sack of trash, delivering the humiliation and one-sided power that gets inside my head.  Meanwhile Gabriel is all failure and frustration, weakened by the relentless Headlocking, falling off the ropes to bust his nuts, pulled around by his long hair like a doggie on a leash, etc.

Like many classic squash matches, this “fight” takes on the vibe and feel of a punishment — as if Cesaro is exacting revenge on the Baby-Face, as if Gabriel has done something wrong and deserves the pain he is feeling.  Cesaro is rougher and tougher than he needs to be.  He stomps on Gabriel, pulls his hair, Headlocks him extra tight until Gabriel’s body goes limp.  What is the meaning or purpose of this?  I begin to ask myself the question I’ve asked hundreds of times when watching pro wrestling — what has the Baby-Face wrestler done to deserve this punishment?

Some experts believe men get into the formula and performance of pro wrestling because men in modern society are no longer masters of their domains.

Thanks to feminism and the rise of the information age (which has obsoleted much of the need for physical labor and working with one’s hands), men are no longer the Boss at work or at home, no longer valued for their strength, no longer certain of their verility, their effectiveness, and their power.

Pro wrestling performances, like this gorgeous little match between Cesaro and Gabriel, fulfill the masculine urges now missing from the lives of modern men.

We get to observe effective masculine power in action.  We get to see brawny Real Men using their big muscles (which are exposed for all to see and swoon over) getting the job done. Strongman Cesaro is as stoic and tough as your grand-daddy back when he was still full of vim and vigor.  The commentators discuss Cesaro’s unusual (and decidedly old school) workout routine where he throws around heavy tires and pulls on ropes rather than lifting weights like most modern men.

We also get to watch and feel compassion for the modern man as exemplified by Justin Gabriel.  Justin is a bit wimpy and sissified with his fussy hairstyle — smaller and less muscular, effectively emasculated.  He is seen as less powerful, less able to dominate over women and other men.  Just as we struggle and suffer at our jobs and in our domestic relationships, so too does Justin (our representative) struggle and suffer at the hands of the dominant male.

Big, strong, masculine Cesaro presents for us the ideal man that we long to become, the old-school, confident Alpha Male deserving of our respect.  And Gabriel personifies our feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and ineptitude as vulnerable men still reeling from the new world order.

After destroying little Justin with his “Neutralizer” maneuver, Cesaro lays down for the pin.  Cesaro spreads his powerful legs and offers us a peek at his impressive manhood (well displayed in his bright purple briefs) as he pins Gabriel.

Then the big meanie performs a final act of humiliation — he lifts Gabriel’s head and slaps him right across the face!  A stiff slap like that is usually intended as a punishment, a form of retribution as payback for some insulting comment or inappropriate action.  What was the point of that?  What did Gabriel do to deserve this disrespect and pain?  Maybe Cesaro is punishing him for losing so easily, for not being as aggressive and powerful as a Real Man, for adopting the submissive, subservient attitude of the typical modern man.

Maybe that slap to the face was a wake-up call for Justin Gabriel, a reminder to him (and to all of us) that it is time to Man Up, to reclaim the rightful place of dominance as a Male. Maybe Cesaro is punishing Gabriel or maybe he is trying to toughen up the smaller man, doing him a favor by teaching him to quit whining and Take It Like A Man.