Joe from the Ringside at Skull Island blog recently wrote an article describing his experience working as the referee for this Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) Tag Team match. Ever the ethical Baby-Face, Joe wrote: “I can’t review this match because I’m in it. You know, objectivity and shit like that.” Well, I for one was not involved in the match whatsoever (other than downloading it and beating off to it) so I can and will review it. Hopefully my analysis is half as sharp, insightful, and well-written as one of Joe’s reviews…
The bad guys are the dudes in the purple speedos — Eli Black in the ballcap above, and Quinn Harper with the goatee beard. They’ve got tattoos and attitudes, looking like the sort of thugs from the blue collar side of town who would call you out as a “Wussy” back in high school, and then target you for a whole year of cruel physical bullying if they caught even a whiff of weakness or vulnerability on you. Just the sort of cruel bastards we love to hate when they’re inflicting their abuse on somebody else in the wrestling ring.
The heroes are two friendly choir-boy types in shiny gold trunks who probably get good grades, volunteer, and get up early to go jogging or walk their dog. Axel is wearing the tiny gold bikini with drawstring laces over the crotch, and Mike Hannigan (nice jobber name) is wearing shiny boy shorts. I think they only have one tattoo between them — clearly not the rebellious Bad Boys like Quinn and Black, their opponents in this match.
The wrestlers quickly reveal, through their behavior in the ring, that they’re all well-versed in the psychology of Tag Team wrestling. I can tell these dudes are rassling fans from way back — or have been well trained. The Heels implement all the great classic tactics to cut the ring in half, isolate the Face-in-Peril (helpless Mike Hannigan), and cheat as much as possible. They make the match fun by:
- Pulling their victim’s hand back just before he reaches his partner
- Complaining about the Good Partner’s actions to distract the ref
- Working two-against-one whenever the ref turns his back
- Double-Teaming the jobber each time they trade places in the ring
In a modern mainstream pro wrestling match, you may see three or four illegal actions or vicious two-against-one moves, but in this match, the Heels exaggerate the Double-Teaming, creating an absolute wet dream of Heel Heat for fans of the illegal Tag Team scene (like yours truly).
They don’t seem to pull punches in the UCW — how do they do that without injuring each other? The Heels are downright brutal on Hannigan — kneeing him in the face, dropping legs across his neck, slamming his ribcage down on the mat, and even biting him!
Any mainstream pro wrestlers who are hoping to make their matches seem more violent and legitimate should really check out some UCW videos, or travel to Philly and get some training from these bad boys. Their slams and kicks and elbows just sound so stiff and effective, and the tuff Baby-Faces (like Hannigan) somehow just keep coming back for more.
In his blog, Joe laments his lack of skill as referee, writing: “The guys were very supportive of my attempt at playacting the role of rule-enforcer, even when I wasn’t certain what the fuck the rules were.”
Actually, Joe may not know the official (Kayfabe) rules of pro wrestling, but he is very well versed in the unwritten rules. He was a “bad” ref, and therefore a very, very good ref, because he:
- Fell for the villain’s ridiculous distractions every time
- Focused like a laser beam on keeping good guy Axel out of the ring
- Failed to enforce the actual rules (on the Heels) with any voracity or consistency
So I think Joe did a fine job as ref. As I’ve said before, in pro wrestling, the only good referee is a clueless (or blind) referee.
Another thing I want to mention in this rambling review (or whatever it is at this point) — I was quite impressed by the skill level of the wrestlers, especially Quinn Harper. He and his partner Eli Black used some of my favorite old holds like the Camel Clutch, Body Scissors, Drop Kicks, Clotheslines, Leg Drops Across the Face, Boston Crabs, and even some innovative shit I’ve never seen.
(You wrestlers in the Big Federations better watch your back — these scrappy young pups in the Underground Feds are skillful, eager, and willing to wear much sexier gear. I see no reason why they won’t start cutting into the revenues of the big leagues given the easy accessibility of their product.)
Let’s get back to drooling over Quinn Harper’s skills… At one point, Harper knelt and wrapped his feet up over the face-down jobber’s neck, applying a very unusual Leg Nelson which pressed the poor victim’s face down into the dirty floor. Then the sadistic SOB licked his thumb and jammed it where the sun don’t shine even if it is always sunny in Philadelphia. Damn, I love a creative (and cruel) wrestler!
Not to be outdone by his talented “protege”, Eli Black knelt on their boy toy’s face, commented on how his balls were now resting on the other wrestler’s chin, and proceeded to apply the dreaded Ball Grab (and Twist) to the defenseless man.
So what worked well in this match?
- Matching partner gear
- Innovative move-set
- Sexy trash-talk
- “Bad” ref
- Weak Baby-Face
- Double-teaming
What didn’t really work for me personally
- Too much pre-match chatter (awkward!)
- Need a ring with ropes
- I prefer wrestlers to wear pro boots
So there you have my review. If you get off on the classic Isolate-and-Destroy the Baby-Face type of match, definitely purchase, download and watch it. I hope this is a sign of things to come from UCW — I love Tag Team matches, so they can just keep replaying this same scenario with minor variations (every pro wrestling federation large and small has done this for decades and so far we haven’t gotten bored with it yet.)
I debated whether I should reveal who won in the end by posting the winners in a victory pose. I think I will just let you purchase the video if you want to find out…