Massive Global Comeback

Do you remember the Global Wrestling Federation (GWF)?  This was a wrestling promotion from the early 1990’s which broadcast their shows every weekday at 4:00 PM on ESPN.  It sure was nice in those days to be able to watch some wrasslin’ every weekday rather than only on the weekends when the big federations broadcast their shows.  The GWF was truly an Afternoon Delight.

If you receive “ESPN Classic” on whatever television system you are connected to these days, they’re now rebroadcasting the old GWF shows.  Hours and hours of this stuff — marathons several days per week.  My poor DVR has never had to work so hard!

Here is a sample of a typical GWF match.  The “Texas Mustangs” (John Hawk and Bobby Duncum) are the beefy, tough-looking hombres in the black speedos and tall black cowboy boots.  Their opponents, the “Blackbirds” (King Parsons and Action Jackson) are the big fat black dudes in the red-and-white striped spandex.

The matches were filmed in the old Dallas Sportatorium (renamed the GlobalDome), so of course the “Texas Mustangs” are the Baby-Faces.  We will soon see how the redneck crowd feels about their beloved Mustangs getting torn apart by a couple of minorities.

If you watched much GWF, I’m sure you’ll recall the especially tight, revealing gear worn by the wrestlers.  I’m not sure who designed and sewed their trunks, but the person deserves an award in the pro wrestling Hall of Fame.  The big cowboys in this match — Duncum and Hawk — spend much of the time yanking that black spandex out of their crotches and cracks.  And the GWF film crew was merciless, zooming in for a closer look whenever possible.

As the younger and cuter Mustang, John Hawk played the Face in Peril. You may recognize him as John Layfield, or JBL, the cocky Wall Street billionaire who is still active in the WWE.

But in his rookie days as John Hawk, this tall drink of water was all about selling his suffering, getting his hair yanked, spreading his legs for our viewing pleasure, and praying for rescue from his bigger, older, more masculine partner — Bobby Duncum.

Several elements of this match push my buttons just right:  The dirty thugs don’t skimp on the double-teaming as they work together to kick young Hawk’s ass. Bobby Duncum meanwhile gets all hot and bothered in the far corner.  Wearing matching gear (black bikinis and boots on the cowboys and flamboyant candy cane stripes on the Birds) further highlights their bond as partners.

The GWF was all about showcasing the male physique in all its shapes and sizes.  Some of the wrestlers were muscular and fit, some were lean, many were beefy and fat, but all of them were presented in colorful, revealing costumes and filmed up close.

If you enjoy looking at male bodies, even stocky dudes, and if you don’t mind seeing bulging crotch views as the center of the camera’s focus, then the GWF is the federation for you.  The wrestling skill level is not fantastic, the story-lines are predictable and dated, but the eye candy is so damn delicious.

So at some point, Hawk tags in his macho partner Bobby Duncum who rescues the kid and dominates both Blackbirds like a house afire.  The Blackbirds fight back and both teams end up outside the ring where the ref counts them out.  The Texas Mustangs are declared the winners and they strut around ringside showing off their big, strong bodies.  (I’m not sure why the Mustangs were handed the victory when both teams were counted outside the ropes — Maybe because this was Texas and the fans would probably riot or something if the Blackbirds beat the rootin’ tootin’ cowboys).

If you enjoy what you see here and want to watch hours and hours of similar classic rasslin’ action, check your local listings for ESPN Classic.