Magical, Mystical Wrestling

One of the frequent negative comments against pro wrestling (besides that it’s so damn gay) is that it is so damn fake.  People laugh and say “Can’t you see they aren’t really hitting each other!“, or “Dude, how could that move really hurt anyone??“, or one of my favorites: “He is just laying there letting the other guy apply that hold on him!”

I say whatever, haters will hate.  The very reason I love pro wrestling, the source of much of my excitement over the sport, is because it is fake.  I don’t want pro wrestling to get any more real or any more plausible than it already is.  In fact, I yearn for the over-the-top fantasy and fakery they used to present in pro wrestling matches.

The beauty of pro wrestling is that it creates this fantasyland, this adult playland, where magical things can happen.  The rules of physics are suspended, all attacks are effective but the victim can recover, and the men all wear little more than underwear.  I don’t really care why this strange world exists for our viewing pleasure, I am just glad that it does exist.

Do I really believe the ring ropes are super elastic, and any body running into the ropes will spring back in the opposite direction with equal force?  Do I believe that the victim of the Irish Whip is physically unable to stop himself from running obediently across the ring and back?  No — but I do know that I love seeing a nice big Clothesline or Flying Dropkick destroy the victim as he runs unavoidably and recklessly across the ring.  So I buy into the infinite bounciness of the ropes and the unavoidable motive force of the Irish Whip for the pleasure of seeing the victim flattened.

Do I really believe their deadly Pile-Drivers are causing injuries?  Of course not, or I wouldn’t be able to watch the sport on moral grounds. Yes, the Pile-Driver, if done properly, doesn’t really injure the victim (you read it here first.)  Yes, the effects of the move are fake, but my cock sure doesn’t seem to mind…

Of course I realize the opponents are secretly working together to enact the moves. The fact that they’re doing this for my viewing pleasure, working to entertain (and arouse) me, makes me love wrestling and the wrestlers even more.  Thanks guys for inventing these sexy looking moves, and THANKS for looking so enticing as you apply the holds.  PLEASE be careful.

I enjoy the fact that the jobber is not really hurt, but he is willing to play hurt and lay obediently on the mat as if he is under a sleeping spell.  His helplessness is fertilizer for my imagination, and I can invent all kinds of reasons for why he plays hurt and allows another man to beat him up.  Maybe he gets into being submissive — maybe he enjoys pain.  Maybe he is suffering because he is well aware it turns us on.

The magical, mystical quality of wrestling is what I’ve always tuned in to see.  For example, they used to throw caustic chemicals like Blinding Powder or green mist or even fire into the eyes of their opponents.  These chemical weapons had the effect of temporarily (and perhaps permanently, we were told) blinding the victim.  That is some fantastic, anti-social behavior, to blind some dude (usually a hot dude) just to win a match!

Deep down, we don’t believe the attack is really damaging his vision, but the seed of fantasy is planted in our brains from seeing this fake cruelty and pretend sadism.  Now we can expand on the fantasy and think of all kinds of other raunchy, sadistic, arousing attacks.

Now that Mixed Martial Arts and Ultimate Fighting and other forms of legitimate combat sports are growing in popularity, I worry about the future of fake wrestling. Now that we can all watch what happens in a real fight (and people apparently dig watching the violence), will pro wrestling want to clean up its act?

Will pro wrestling increase the level of realism in the ring to compete with real fighting shows — to not appear silly or fake or contrived in comparison to MMA?  Are wrestling promotions going to present more reality-based grappling and ditch the fantastic, campy aspects that, to me, are the real draw?

I wouldn’t want to live in a world where you CAN’T paralyze a man with a nerve hold, where you Irish Whip a man and he stops running and laughs at you, where the ban against Foreign Objects is strictly enforced and subject to prosecution.  So I say, keep wrestling fake!

The competitive advantage of pro wrestling over real fighting is the magical, mystical world it creates, the fantasy-land it enables us to escape to.  Plus, much of the content is meant to be titillating — the moves and the costumes and the body positioning are highly sexualized.  So I say bring back the dog collar matches, brass knuckles, beasts from Africa, deadly Sleeper Holds, chloroform rags, masked freaks, bounties, etc.  I love the circus.