Match Watch: Perfect Cohesion

Match: Pump Patrol vs. The Brothers Lockhart

Federation: Reality of Wrestling, Episode 50

Gimmicks: Exactly Matching Outfits, Masculine Sissies, Power of Partnership, Flexing Show-Offs

Gear Pat-Down: The Pump Patrol (AJ Summers and Jared Wayne) are the typical cocky, muscle-flexing meatheads, so their matching light blue and hot pink trunks are a perfect look for them.

Their flamboyant speedos both showcase their hard bodies and put the audience on notice that these show-offs are arrogant pretty-boys, fully deserving of our disdain.

The Lockhart Brothers are, by their own admission, a pair of Throwbacks to the classic age of high-flying baby-face Tag Team wrestling.  They wear their hair long and their trunks tight.  They entered the arena in long black pants, but it didn’t take long before they ripped off those trousers to get down to business in their little black briefs with “LOCKHART” printed boldly across the asses.  The story of this match is the cohesion between these two brothers, so it’s important that they look and dress identically, the color of their head-bands and knee pads the only noticeable differences between them.

What to Watch For:

• Nice skimpy gear and fit bodies on all four dudes
• The Pump Patrol’s relentless bicep flexing before the match
• High energy assault by the Lockharts, their long hair and long legs flailing all around the ring
• Loud moaning and groaning by a very verbal Jared Wayne
• A brief but beautiful spat of Face-in-Peril suffering by Andrew Lockhart (I would have loved seeing more of this…)

Hottest Moves:

• Ball-busting Atomic Drop on Jared Wayne to put a stop to his Alpha Male posturing @ 16:51

• Twelve, yes, TWELVE consecutive shoulder blocks to Jared Wayne’s gut @ 17:40 (followed by a jacking-off hand motion by Andrew toward the victim’s watching partner)

• Two consecutive Small Packages and a Double Small Package @ 18:02

• Jared Waynes’ devastating Fireman’s Carry into a Body Slam across his partner’s bent knees @ 19:40
  

Quote Porn:  Most of the verbal masturbation by the commentators focuses on the high degree of similarity and synchronicity between the two Lockharts:

• “Eric and Andrew are often asked if they’re twins.  In reality they’re two and a half years apart!…  So quit tweeting and asking about going on dates with the twins!”
• “I guess there’s some telepathy going on.”  “When two become one.”
• “You’ve got the Lockharts, they’re brothers, they’ve got years of bonding between them.  I’ve got to give them the edge right now.”
• “Talk about cohesion:  THIS IS COHESION!  Big Double Dropkick by the Lockhearts!”

Psychology 101: The moral of the story is that two men working together in perfect cohesion can overcome any obstacle.  There is power in the male-male homosocial bond.  Even stronger, more muscular opponents will be destroyed by the synergy of partners who look alike and think alike.

In the end, the match was interrupted by some villains who want to be included in the action.  I’m sure those bastards will soon get their time in the ring with the charismatic Lockharts.  As long as these brothers are working like a “well oiled machine,” they can apparently kick anybody’s ass.   The only way they can lose is if their bond is somehow weakened.