Match Watch: A Little Help From My Friend

Match: “Real Deal” Kris Ace vs. “Mean Machine” Mark Sanders

Gimmicks: Bitches Pull Hair, Sent the Boy, Rolling Around in Their Underwear, Rookie Beat Down

Federation/Event: Elite British Wrestling — November Pain

Gear Pat Down:

The veteran Heel — “Mean Machine” Mark Sanders — is wearing spectacular white trunks with shiny gold on the hips to symbolize his championship gold and wrestling success.

He is no longer a lean, hungry rookie, with his meaty flesh bursting out over his waistband as if he has perhaps been wearing these same fancy trunks for years.

The young challenger, fair haired Kris Ace, wears honest looking blue trunks with his trademark Ace of Spaces on the crotch and repeated on his boots.

Both wrestlers (especially the big cocky Heel) emphasize their masculinity by wearing bulging trunks and getting in arch positions that showcase their big dicks.  This style of look-at-my-cock trunks has been popular in Britain since the old World of Sport television shows in the 1970’s and 80s.

What to Watch For:

• A slow methodical pace and consistent domination by a heartless and “mean” veteran who knows what he’s doing and has clearly been doing it for a long time

• Tons of vicious hair-pulling as the Bad Man drags the little punk around like a dog on a leash and the punk shouts “AHH!” each time his hair gets yanked

• Great selling by a game rookie, willing to ragdoll himself for about 97.5 percent of the match to make the bigger man seem like a real killer

• Those abbreviated white trunks on thick Mark Sanders — my oh my!

Hottest Holds

• Huge Hip Toss on a shocked Kris Ace, who acts like his back was slammed onto a coil of razor wire soaked in hot lava @ 7:08

• Beautiful Fisherman Suplex by Sanders into a high see-my-bulge Bridging position @ 10:19

• Sanders pulling on some Baby-Face hair just before clamping on three vicious, smothering Chin Locks @ 10:32,  11:39, and 13:00

• Sander’s bulging manhood finally negated by a big ball-busting Atomic Drop @ 14:30

Verbal Porn

The commentators, in proper British accents, deliver a melodramatic Heel-vs.-Baby match analysis, expounding on the heart and bravery of young Ace, and the cruelty and viciousness of asshole Sanders.  You’d think Sanders was a 400-pound linebacker with psychotic tendencies the way they describe him:

• “Let’s give the devil his due: Mark Sanders has been at the top of wrestling in this country for over a decade now.  He is a dirty, dirty low-down human being though.“

• “In terms of ability, in terms of heart and determination, there are very very few on this roster who can match the “Real Deal” Kris Ace.”

• Sanders doesn’t care!  All he wants to do is HURT his opponent!
  

• “I don’t like him (Sanders) — he’s a beast of a man!  He is a relentless animal.  He is a machine.”

Psychology 101: This is David-vs-Goliath encounter all the way, the weak but blessed young hero who has no business challenging a larger, meaner, more masculine killer.  Sanders isn’t really THAT huge, but he is described as if he’s eight feet tall and heavily armored.  Sure enough, cute little Ace soon finds himself utterly out-matched, man-handled and destroyed, which seems to really get British wrestling fans off.

Thanks to some well-timed interference from another (rather attractive) friend wearing a red t-shirt and no pants, the rookie is able to surprise the over-confident Heel and win the championship belt.  The message is that this kid was not truly powerful enough to win on his own, but his strong bond with another (good-looking) man enabled him to achieve victory. Mark Sanders, on the other hand, is aloof and disdainful, rejecting close intimate friendships with other men, so he is shown to  be out-matched and beaten.