Teasers

The Smackdown episode before Wrestlemania is usually the most boring show of the year.  Only a couple of matches occur (most of the wrestlers are busy prepping for the big show) and most of the episode is video fluff to get us excited about Mania.

This year they threw us a bone by featuring the charismatic Show Off, Dolph Ziggler, getting bullied and broken by the massive, shiny, muscular beast — Titus O’Neil.  Wow — thanks WWE!

These two studs were preparing to appear in the 27-man Battle Royale at Wrestlemania, so the point of this pre-match was to build heat and give us boners in anticipation for the big brawl.  Of the 27 dudes planning to battle in the Royale, I think they picked the perfect two to perform the pre-Tease match.

Their contrast is hot — the flashy, flamboyant blond against the big black slab of carved muscle that is Titus. Call me a sicko, but I just wanted Titus to brutalize and annihilate the curly-headed blond.  I re-wound every scene of Ziggler getting hurt just to make him suffer that agony again and again.

Sometimes the Leg Drop across the chest doesn’t seem effective, but when Titus leaps up in the air to crash-land his thick tree-trunk down on our beloved Dolph, the entire ring shakes and you wonder how the victim survived.

Titus then molests the white boy, spreading his legs and giving us a peek at his silver boy-shorts.  That happens several times in this match — it’s Ziggler’s trademark.  It’s not easy tearing your eyes off those shiny, bulging nut-huggers Ziggler loves to wear, but when you have a powerful, dark, glistening specimen like Titus in the ring, you find a way.

Titus employs all of the punishing and nasty tactics that Heels use to degrade and humiliate their competition.  He pulls hair (a lot) sticks his fingers in Ziggler’s mouth, and tries to choke the pretty-boy with his gigantic muscle-arm.

Ziggler fights back now and again — this is not a total squash match.  For example, at one point, Ziggler traps Titus in the corner, stands up on the second rope with his silver-clad dick in the big man’s face, and proceeds to drill him in the skull.  But this is my blog and my fantasy, so I’m mostly focusing on the images of King Titus getting worshiped.

The poses of dominance are just breath-taking.  Titus, for example, seeing the pretty-boy broken at his feet, can’t resist stepping one boot on the back of his head.  Damn Titus, you’re supposed to be fluffing up our anticipation for Wrestlemania, not totally sending us over the edge!

And Ziggler’s suffering is top notch as always — his shiny ass exploited by the camera.  This sexy image will definitely convince viewers to tune into Wrestlemania, (but they will not see great shots like this during that broadcast…)

The two men emphasize the contrast between power and weakness — Titus flexing and barking like a dog while Ziggler remains floppy, pliant, and tired.

I think Titus got ripped for his Wrestlemania appearance.  I mean he always looks massive and gigantic, but this stud is fuckin chiseled out of stone for his poses of domination over the out-matched Show Off in this beat-down!

And have I mentioned all the glorious hair-pulling?  The big sleazy fucker just reaches down and snatches a fistful of blond mane any time he wishes — utterly dragging Ziggler around like a Neanderthal dragging his mate back to the cave.

The fact that Titus has no hair on his shiny bald head — let alone pretty, curly blond hair — gives us the sense that he craves what he can’t have.  The contrast of his dark skin against Ziggler’s platinum blond locks is like the cover of a classic romance novel featuring a swarthy barbarian groping the alabaster skin of  a golden beauty.  The message being sent is that a big, strong, dominant Male can take (rape) whatever he wants, including a mop of pretty blond hair.

Then Titus performs that cruel Over the Knee Backbreaker series where he repeatedly hoists up his victim’s body, bends a knee to break the poor wimp across his thigh, then stands up and does it again.  Poor Ziggler is so deliciously over-powered, made to look like a toddler being put down for his nap.

But all good things must come to an end.  Ziggler was permitted to win for once (maybe Titus is in trouble with the bosses or something.)  The Show Off delivers his stunning Zig-Zag neckbreaker for the victory.

So, good job by both of these performers who were probably not happy to be the Teasers forced to wrestle a few nights before the Big Event.  They play out their assigned roles perfectly (cocky, privileged blond show-off versus powerful, relentless muscle-beast.)  I sure enjoyed it — even more than the big Battle Royale at WrestleMania that they were hyping.