In the world of professional wrestling there are a multitude of various types of matches. There are ladder matches, lumberjack matches, flag matches, handicap matches, steel cage matches, strip matches, strap matches, tuxedo matches, casket matches, retirement matches, “loser leave town” matches, haircut matches, “kiss my foot” matches, to name just a few…
Today, at Project Doughboy, we’re featuring one of our beefiest, tights-clad Doughboys, an experienced veteran of the ring, all set to take on a young, arrogant, torn-jeans-wearing upstart—in this first-ever Spandex vs. Denim Match!
Representing the Denim team; Junkyard James. Try as we did, we were unable to locate a profile of this lean, mean grappler. Not to betray any prejudice here, but should we expect a wrestler who hails from a garbage dump and sports a ripped pair of pants to arrive with his resume in hand? Just saying…
The Spandex Team, however, will be represented by Derek Molhan, a 2008 inductee into the New England Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. Derek’s first trainer was Brad Rheingans in Hamel, MN. After falling ill, Molhan returned to RI, where he finished his training with Paul Lauzon and Nick Steel. Promotions he worked for include Coastal Pro Wrestling, Eastern Wrestling Alliance, Ringside Wrestling, Power League Wrestling and…
EXCUSE ME, D.W.…I know that this is a Project Doughboy entry. But in all fairness, I think we need another voice here. I mean, we all know where your allegiance lies…Given the chance to cheer on Stone Cold, Sean Michaels or the Hulkster, you’d opt for a no-name chubby wimp in tights instead. I don’t get you!
D.W.: Hey! Come on, now! Who are you, anyway?
AL: I’m here to give voice to the Alpha-Male. You can call me Al.
D.W.: O.K., whatever…but the match is about to start…
AL: Here’s the man! Junkyard James!
D.W.: Pretty arrogant dude, wouldn’t you say?
AL: I’d say a real man just entered the ring.
D.W.: I don’t get the get-up, the mohawk, the chains, the torn jeans…
AL: You wouldn’t…
D.W.: Alright…now here comes my guy!
AL: What’s he slurping on there, Jack Daniel’s?
D.W.: Look how he greets the crowd! The audience loves him!
AL: A panderer…
D.W. He even exchanges niceties with the ref. He’s just a downright nice guy.
AL: You mean he’s a brown-noser! Reminds me of an annoying kid I knew in junior high.
D.W.: Just waiting now for the bell to sound…
AL: Tell me. What’s the point of this thing?
D.W.: What are you talking about?
AL: What are you trying to prove with this “spandex vs. denim” gimmick?
D.W.: It’s no gimmick! In my view, it’s the very heart of pro wrestling. Spandex represents the matches that I grew up with and that I still look to find; with heroes, heels, jobbers and Doughboys, form-fitting gear, “ham ‘n eggers,” squash matches, tight camera angles… Denim is the route the pro scene has taken over the past couple of decades, favoring lean athletes in nothing but competitive bouts, opting for baggy pants and jeans over tights, wild camera angles devoid of jobber close-ups, shaved heads, tattoos, attitude, little left of merit for the Doughboy watcher of today…
AL: Whatever you say… O.K., there’s the bell…
D.W.: A good way to start—a test of strength.
AL: Ha! And the Doughboy ends up planted on the turnbuckle!
D.W.: He was caught off-guard. Molhan will put that punk in his place on this second challenge… Watch and see!
AL: What was that you were saying? Face it, D.W., your Doughboy is past his due-date, along with those antiquated circus tights he’s squeezed into. Not a pretty sight!
D.W.: I don’t agree. I think he’s kind of hot, especially in tights.
AL: Listen, spandex is one of those fabrics that I think you have to earn the right to wear. Ravishing Rick Rude, now there’s a guy who put in his gym-time and earned the privilege to wear tights in public. This guy? Hang up the spandex, dude, now!
D.W.: Well, while you were going on about what Doughboys should and shouldn’t wear in public, you may have missed the fact that the “guy in circus tights” has taken control of the action. He’s about to finish off that junkyard dude in denim and bring this bout to a close…
AL: Again, spoken prematurely! The Doughboy went in for the kill and no one was home! I love watching a big goofball like this, flopping around the mat like a fish out of water—it’s great for a laugh!
But wait, isn’t this the kind of action that’s a turn-on for you Doughboy watchers? That I don’t get…
D.W.: You don’t need to get it. But, yeah, watching a Doughboy in peril is a turn-on for me, especially a big dude in tights like Molhan.
AL: O.K., I’ve about had my fill of this Molhan dude! Go for it, James! Put this oversized clown out of his misery.
He has the pin…One…Two…
Wait! What’s this?! Where’s Three?…What’s with this ref, he HAD the three-count!
D.W.: Molhan kicked out.
AL: Yeah, but not before Junkyard had the three-count! This match is rigged!
AL: Cripes! The sight of Molhan in spandex, creeping up on Junkyard …it’s like a scene from “Jaws,” except with a beached whale instead of a great white!
D.W.: Isn’t it great?
AL: Great isn’t the word I’d use for this fraud of a bout. How about fixed?
D.W.: Hey, what can I tell you? A win is a win.
AL: If that’s the only way your pathetic “Doughboy” can win, by cheating, well, that says something, doesn’t it?
D.W.: Hey, Molhan is looking this way—right at us!
I think he wants to say something to you…
AL: Naw…
D.W.: Yes! He’s pointing directly at you!
He’s looking to say something to you…
AL: Really? What could he have to say to me?
NOTE: Here’s a link to the full bout featured in today’s entry:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSW3mJB8_8I
Power League Wrestling is a great independent federation out of Pawtucket, Rhode Island and, more likely than not, will be the focus of another Project Doughboy article in the not-too-distant future.