Biting Bad Boy

I heard on the radio there was drama in World Cup soccer yesterday when a player bumped into his opponent and then bit him on the shoulder — hard enough to leave a mark.  I suppose I should be outraged by this cheating like many soccer fans around the globe, but the incident reminded me of pro wrestling, so it kind of turned me on to hear about it…

The bitten man suffered beautifully, squealing to the officials like a pathetic jobber.  The funniest thing is that the refs did not see the infraction so no penalty was called — they’re as blind as the typical pro wrestling official!

Apparently the cheating sumbitch has bitten opponents like this before.  He is the Bad Boy of soccer and is forever acting cocky, taunting his opponents, refusing to shake hands, and generally playing the Dickhead Heel.  Check out this 3-minute video of some of his most outrageous (and kind of sexy) antics.  Photos of him are now being generated that portray him as a vampire:

This “bite felt ’round the world” is generating international outrage and cries for justice, but let’s put it in perspective: has this Bad Boy truly injured his opponent by giving him a little nibble on the shoulder?  Really?  Did the victim need to go sit on the bench just because he got a hickey on his neck? Hell no!

Most pro athletes must take the field with far more pain and injury than a little tooth indentation on their skin (which didn’t even draw blood…)  So yes, it is probably illegal to bite an opponent, and I suppose they should punish players who break the rules, but come on — it’s not like he struck the Baby-Face with a steel chair!

So why does this cheater even bother biting his opponents if he doesn’t really hurt them significantly, and will likely get himself in big trouble?   I suspect he bites for the same reason dirty Heel pro wrestlers bite — because it’s dramatic and entertaining, because the fans (deep down) want to see it, because it puts asses in seats in the arena.

The original Sheik was one of the first wrestlers to understand that baring his teeth and gnawing on the forehead (often juiced) of some helpless White Meat Baby-Face was more addicting than heroin for the rabid fans.  So he traveled all around the world chewing on jobber flesh, and he became one of the most feared (and arousing) wrestlers in history.

Also, biting is sexy — a common form of feisty foreplay, especially if you nibble on a sensitive area like the neck, ear lobe, or nipple.  This is why vampires remain so popular in pop culture, because they bite, and biting is hot.

So the reason pro wrestlers (and other pro athletes, apparently) will sink their teeth into an opponent’s flesh is for fan-service, to arouse and titillate the audience.  A homo-erotic vibe is in play when one man opens his mouth to taste the other, and the main reason guys watch sports (especially pro wrestling) is to safely experience that homo-erotic vibe.

Have soccer players (or at least this one naughty soccer player) figured out that it is too boring for the fans to just watch guys kick the ball around?  Do they now understand that if you want to attract fans, you’ve gotta find ways to give them hard-ons?  Are other pro sports beginning to borrow some of the drama, brutality, cockiness, and grandstanding that make pro wrestling so entertaining and exciting?

A 2013 article on this Blog compared the fixing of soccer matches to the fantastic fakery of pro wrestling.  Another article discussed recent occurrences of eye gouging in pro football and how that same viciousness is often witnessed (and enjoyed) in pro wrestling.  Another article discussed a team paying bounties to injure opponents — a common pro wrestling trope.

So maybe mainstream sports are finally getting as get nasty, sexy, and beastly as rasslin’.  I would sure watch more football, baseball, hockey, or soccer if they had players as arrogant as Ric Flair, as sadistic as Kevin Sullivan, and as devious as the Age of the Fall.

So all you other “legitimate” sports need to get smart like pro wrestling — either turn us on or we’re turning you off.  If you’re lucky enough to employ a cocky Show-Off whom we all love to hate, don’t punish him — reward him for each asshole move he makes.  Make sure he appears on every broadcast, acting as dickish, crude, and lovably arrogant as possible.  And dress him in a tight little spandex bikini while you’re at it…