I mentioned recently how I enjoyed several matches from Summer Slam this year, which can be seen on the WWE Network. First was sexy Dolph Ziggler suffering at the hands of The Miz, which I wrote about on 8/23.
Then there was the shocking one-sided destruction of John Cena which the Inner Jobber and Mascular Men blogs have both described in vivid and exciting detail.
And another Summer Slam showdown that really got me fired up was the battle for Alpha Male between Randy Orton and Roman Reigns. Just take a moment to drink in the raw masculinity, that macho facial hair, their confident, intimidating expressions. Mmmph. This match is all about the homo-eroticism of male aggression.
Randy “The Viper” Orton has been clad in bad-ass black trunks consistently for years, but he surprised and delighted us at Summer Slam by sporting shiny silver briefs instead.
Could this gear change signal a weaker, less dominant persona for Randy? Does the wearing of a brighter color portend a new jobber phase in his career?? Regardless of his gear color, Randy dominated most of the match.
It seems these two studs have been feuding since Roman somehow cost Randy a chance at the title (??), so Randy responded by attacking and destroying Roman, leaving him helpless and humiliated on the floor.
Check out Roman’s pose — chest up, eyes closed, arms flopped overhead and flat on the floor — I call this the “Conquered Roman” position.
To date, Randy has just owned and mastered Roman Reigns — brutally beating him, pulling his hair, RKO-ing him through a table, dropping him on his head onto the floor, just fucking RAPING poor Roman Reigns. And Roman has laid down for Randy, subjugating himself for the “Legend Killer” — willingly serving as Randy’s bitch.
Meanwhile, back at Summer Slam, Roman continues to job to a dominant Randy. He lets Randy drag him around by the hair, then offers his neck so Randy can slap on his patented Grinding Headlock, utterly choking Roman out.
And Roman sells his agony with perfection, his face going limp, his eyes closed, his fingers reaching out in vain in that “Impotent Grasp” pose. Wow — maybe Roman Reigns would be better as a suffering Face!
In the trash talk leading up to this match, Reigns had threatened to knock the Viper’s teeth down his throat and turn him into a “useless little worm.”
Randy responded with: “Superman — meet kryptonite!” (Which is a reference to Roman’s patented Superman Punch, where he leaps across the ring with his fist cocked, knocking his opponent out cold with a solid right hook.)
Roman’s reference to the Viper as a “useless little worm” is interesting because one doesn’t normally refer to snakes or worms as “useful” or “useless” — they just sort of slither around but have little utility. Therefore, I believe that what Roman is actually referencing with this threat is the viper (or worm) inside Randy’s silver trunks. The term “useless” indicates that Roman plans to emasculate Randy — to drain him of his venom or potency, leaving him as limp and floppy as a worm. One could infer from his comment that he is planning to deplete Orton — to milk him dry.
Randy, meanwhile, seems to be making good on his promise to serve as “kryptonite” to Roman’s Superman.
He repeatedly wraps up Roman’s neck in a tight, flexing Side Headlock, smothering his squeeze-toy and leaving Roman as helpless as a kitten. Randy truly has the Headlock down to a science, somehow making this common, simple hold resemble pure sex.
And Roman emphasizes the weakness and helplessness of his situation. He is the epitome of the Muscle-Man turned Jobber, letting himself go limp, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, his arms pinned to the floor like he’s being nailed to a cross. He is the one acting like a useless little worm. He obviously realizes that the way to our hearts is not through toughness and omnipotence, but through helplessness and vulnerability.
The fact that Roman appears so dominant, so powerful, so utterly Bad-Ass-Tastic, makes his conversion to a washed up jellyfish that much more stunning (just as seeing Superman in a submissive state is deliciously naughty and improper.)
But just as veteran John Cena was busted down to jobber status at Summer Slam, so too does old Randy learn some humility from his young opponent. This power shift is always exciting to watch.
Randy is gelded when his nuts are busted on the top rope. Then Roman delivers his dreaded Superman Punch to knock my poor Randy the fuck out!
So Roman reigns as the new Big Swinging Dick — the new “Face” of the WWE. He is, in fact, a Superman who discovered how to avoid the effects of Krytonite.
The Viper, meanwhile, must take a step back in his shiny silver trunks. He has, in fact, been emasculated into a useless little worm.
For over a decade, Orton was seemingly unbeatable — the “Face” of the WWE constantly destroying his opponents old and young with the “RKO” and then standing on the ropes with his arms outstretched in cocky victory. To now see him out-matched by Roman Reigns, as limp as a useless worm as Reigns celebrates makes it appear that Randy is actually the “Superman” who has now met his kryptonite!
Oh Randy.