Winless Jobbers

Zack Ryder faced off against Heath Slater on the 10/9/14 episode of Superstars — available exclusively on the WWE Network.  Some bloggers and reviewers described this match-up as the “Battle of the Winless Jobbers” because neither Ryder nor Slater is currently a top name Superstar (however BOTH men had earlier pushes and some wins under their belts.)

Even though the term “winless jobber” is not 100 percent accurate, I like the sound of it.  It kind of verbally humbles or humiliates the submissive male, who so often just rolls over and lets a dominant man defeat him.

But the real reason I decided to write about this match was to gush about the impressive and exciting performance by Zack Ryder.  Wow — why haven’t I been blogging about this stud more often??  He is beautiful in his shiny silver trunks!  And as always, Ryder’s orgasmic facial expressions are spirited and dramatic, telling his story of suffering and conveying all of his feelings (especially his pain.)  It helps that he is handsome in a conventional, masculine, aging Frat-Boy, beard-stubbly kind of way.

The turning point in the match occurs when Ryder — who had been in control early thanks to his big muscles and dominating Armbars — is thrown from the ring and lands stiff, injuring his arm or arms.   We go to commercial, and when we come back, Heath Slater is choking (vicious, jealous red-headed bully that he is) our poor, suffering Zack.  The WWE camera crew, who are the best in the business let’s admit, zoom right in there for some gorgeous close-ups of that anguish.

I am digging those metal-studded rocker boots on Slater.  Want your wrestling boots to appear even more hurtful and punishing?  — Just bedazzle them with some mean looking metal fucking studs.

By the way, has Zack Ryder been working out?  I mean, he was always fit, but now he is getting all Swole and magnificent, like a meathead muscle-Face of the 1980’s.  Later we will see an image of his trapezius muscles and it looks like he’s wearing flesh-colored football shoulder pads.  Does he just do 1,000 shoulder shrugs per day in the gym now?

Ryder slips into his typical Helpless Muscle-Man status — looking like Superman with a kryptonite dildo jammed up inside his tights.  And Slater does a great job as the flaming red-haired punisher, absolutely rough-necking his victim without mercy.  This scene reminds me of the ugly schoolyard bully from the wrong side of the tracks, the mortal enemy of all the popular Cool Kids.

Poor, over-powered Zack cowers in the corner, unable to hold up his head (or keep his mouth closed) due to the utter exhaustion of his brutalized flesh.

I do enjoy this pretty guy when he is in suffering mode — his strong body totally pliant and vulnerable to attack, his big puppy-dog eyes communicating his dread as Slater struts over to yank him up by the hair like a bitch to dish out some more punishment.  Am I the only wrestling fan who pauses the DVR at moments like this to just kind of savor these close-up shots?

The implication behind a Jobber vs. Jobber match is that the winner will “move up in the rankings” — his victory adding to the likelihood that he will get to wrestle more popular opponents.  This adds significance to an otherwise forgettable pairing, and may signal the beginnings of a “Push” for one of the wrestlers.

The loser, meanwhile, must “take a step backward” as retribution for being a bitch.

Eventually Ryder does regain his strength and Man Up to prove he is not the jobber in this ring.  He nails a crushing Drop-Kick off the top ropes, then knocks the uppity ginger on his ass with his patented finishing move.  Then Ryder straddles Slater with his crotch near the beaten man’s face and Slater’s legs up under his armpits for the win.

Maybe this victory is the first of many for swole Zack Ryder.  We know the decision-makers in the WWE are horny for muscle, so maybe they’ve taken notice of his buff new body (I sure have.)  His appearance in general is also less comical and ridiculous now, further evidence that Ryder may be getting a “Push” as the hot Baby-Face hero.

For example, in prior (less successful) gimmicks, Ryder’s hair was too spiky like a Guido douche-bag, or he wore a dumb headband with big glasses or a “Bro-Tee” beard which the commentators would poke fun at, or they dressed him in unappealing long tights.

But he is not a clown any more — he has straightened out his look and matured wonderfully.  He is sporting professional silver trunks that make him appear sexy instead of comical.  We aren’t laughing at this buff Alpha Male any more.  Hopefully we will be seeing much more of Mr. Ryder in victory.

And just take a gander at that hulking frame on Ryder, below — those trapezius muscles I was marveling about earlier.  He deserves SOME reward for getting himself in that kind of shape!

Editor’s Note: This article was written before viewing the October 16th episode of Superstars in which Ryder was defeated by silly, sloppy Bo Dallas.  It seems that our hopes of a big “Push” for Ryder may be just a fantasy.