Diesel's height makes his Sidewalk Slam even more devastating.
A YouTube channel I follow called heel4you recently posted 35 classic Squash matches on a single day. As your dedicated wrestling blogger, I decided to watch all 35 matches (a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it) and to give you a brief summary of each one.
1. “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel in sexy leather pants with fringe owns Aaron Ferguson (2:56, WWF 11/20/94). Ferguson is a soft-bellied little jobber in striped singlet and white boots. Most humiliating pinning pose.
Nobody escapes the Perfect Plex (at least no jobber boy.)
2. Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig has an easy match against Gary Key, a jobber in pure white trunks and boots. (2:52, WWF 2/28/93, in German.)
At 1:33 into the video, Perfect clamps the chump’s head between his thighs in a standing Scissor, then rotates his hips to wrench the dude’s neck — I dig that move. Daddy Larry the Axe would be so proud! Whitest jobber gear.
Excess body weight is a formidable weapon.
3. The Heavenly Bodies use some slick two-on-one moves to destroy Baker & Stevens (3:01, WWE 9/25/94). One jobber wears white trunks and boots — not sure if he is Baker or Stevens. Whatever his name, I dig the red racing stripes on the hips of his white speedo.
Heavenly Bodies show off their well-polished double-team offense. The finishing move is a breath-taking Backwards Moonsault off the top rope by the full-bodied Jimmy Del Ray! Most talented Heels.
Stan Hansen never fails to brutalize his jobbers.
4. Stan Hansen vs Boss. (2:23, WCW, 2/23/91) When you write the name “Boss” on the back of your tights and attack the Heel before the bell, you kind of deserve the six-pack of Whoop Ass he opens on you. Hansen is downright brutal — kind of hot.
Hansen pins his Wimp-In-White by standing in victory with one cowboy boot planted on his chest, then spits a mouthful of tobacco juice on him. Nastiest Heel.
5. Minotaur vs. Keith Hart (4:05, WCW, 1/19/91) The kinky Minotaur has white eyes like a snake and a leather arm-harness like a gladiator.
While Keith Hart is having his jugular bitten at 2:45, the commentator degrades him by recommending the wimp go to the gym and work out for about 1,000 years. Freakiest Heel.
Jobber's worst nightmare: picked up on the Two Count.
6. Brian Christopher and the Harris Brothers vs. Todd Johnson (4:16, USWA. 1/16/93) The three big Heels prevent their skinny jobber in purple tights from tagging out. Christopher giggles loudly, reveling in his dominant position (thanks to his huge partners.) Poor Johnson is a toy passed between the three bullies, yanked up by the hair on the Count of Two several times. When he finally makes the tag, the video ends. Most dominant Heel team.
Hey dickhead -- the match is OVER already!
7. Larry Cameron vs Doughboy Shaw (5:12, Stampede 1/12/89). Cameron is the buff bad-ass in the red singlet. His jobber is a spectacular shirtless chubb in black tights with red stripes down the legs. After the beached whale is kicked out to the floor at 2:48, Cameron refuses to let him back in the ring. The pale jobber fights back for a few seconds so Cameron decapitates him with a brutal Clothesline. Hottest Doughboy.
"The referee is doing NOTHING here!"
8. Bruiser Bedlam makes short work of his “whipping boy” Dan Dubio (1:40, SMW 8/20/94). For about half the video, Bruiser digs his fingers into his jobber’s soft belly meat (before and after the kid submits) whilst Dubio kicks his legs around. Sexiest submission hold.
Like an ape trying to crack open a coconut.
9. MMMMF. One of my personal favorite Heels, Kevin Sullivan, goes utterly insane on Lynn Fields (1:52. SMW, 2/27/93.) Sullivan is such a crazy fuckin’ beast, and they tell us this is AFTER the federation put him in mental health counseling.
He rams the kid’s skull into the floor at ringside so viciously, the ref rings the bell to stop the carnage. That doesn’t prevent crazy Sullivan from stomping the poor rag doll after the match for good measure. God I love Sullivan as a Crazy Killer. Most violent.
It seems deadlier from this above perspective.
10. Sledge vs. Tyler Smith (2:18. Santino Bros. 11/27/14) The jobbers in these 35 squash videos are so wimpy and pathetic — I love every one of them. This little Tyler Smith in his “purple panties” might be the wimpiest and most pathetic. Several camera angles, including this cool from-above-looking-down view, add drama and impact to Sledge’s stunning slams.
There is a higher-def version of this same match posted on Santino Brothers’ channel. Check out the degrading comments some viewers have posted to further humiliate the helpless rookie. Most one-sided match-up.
Powerslam followed by the dreaded Nut Smother.
11. Rick Orasi dares zero offense against powerful champion Rick Steiner (3:07, NWA). Steiner emphasizes his mad skills by wearing his college singlet and headgear. Orasi emphasizes his vulnerability by wearing revealing turquoise briefs and boots.
As if Steiner isn’t over-whelming enough, his two colleagues from the Varsity Club (Rotundo and Sullivan) are at ringside to shout ideas for hurting Orasi, and to put their hands on him when he falls outside the ropes. The commentator describes this beat-down best: “Steiner is taking his good old time with Orasi and just really beat the youngster to a pulp.” Most verbal Heel.
12. Barry Windham vs Joe Deforia (2:14, NWA 6/16/90). God I loved Windham during his Black-Speedo-With-Cowboy-Boots gimmick. The more weight he gained, the more I lusted. He completely owns the good looking Enhancement Talent in the turquoise trunks and clean white boots.
Windham’s calm, confidence as he wiped up the mat with his subservient jobber boys always made him seem even more appealing. Windham finishes off his whipping boy with a really pretty Superplex off the top rope. Don’t miss the slow-motion replay of this maneuver which offers even better views of Windham’s black speedo. Sexiest Heel.
So many hot matches, so little time.