Pretzeled

I used to fantasize about a wrestling move called the “Pretzel Hold” that was so complex and painful, so utterly soul-crushing, that it left the victim howling for mercy.  In my dreams, some cruel attacker would tie his own arms and legs around some poor chump’s arms and legs into a complex knot.  And the evil dude applying the hold really knew how to make it hurt the victim just right.  His efficiency and certainty at enacting the dreaded Pretzel is definitely part of the fantasy.

I never exactly worked out whose arm or leg would be where, or specifically how the Pretzel was applied.  In my fantasy matches, it was like a Twister game gone haywire, or like that sexy episode of Batman where some villainess ties our heroes’ bodies in the deadly Siamese Human Knot.  It would be a complicated, tangled mess of arms and legs, sadistic, and infinitely painful.  Did anyone else think about twisted stuff like this, or did I just need to get out in the fresh air more often?

Where did I even come up with the idea of this sick hold?  There is an old joke about a “Pretzel Hold” where the victim who is locked in the Pretzel escapes by biting. Go ahead and Google it — I don’t want to spoil the joke (you’ve probably heard it a hundred times.)  Maybe someone told me that stupid joke and the take-away for me was a longing for this ultimate killer hold, obsessing over how it worked and how painful it could possibly feel.  Like I said, I needed to get out and play more baseball apparently.

Is it just me, or is there something appealing about a guy who has the know-how to hurt you and the strength to make it happen? He demands your respect and admiration.  The potential that he may just decide to grab your arms and legs and tie you up in a humiliating and excruciating position is always in the back of your mind.  Part of you wishes he would lock you up in his “Pretzel” so you can experience his strength and the effects of his sadistic expertise first-hand.

Pro wrestlers feed our desire for this Ultimate Wrestling Hold by featuring new and unusual moves as often as they can invent them.  Every so often, someone will slap on an innovative and deliciously twisted arrangement of body parts that forces you to pause and try to figure out whose arm is wrapped around which leg.  You just have to tune in each week to see what crazy, freaky, and agonizing new positions they’ve come up with, to see if they’ve invented the Holy Grail of wrestling holds — the “Pretzel”.

Many wrestling federations have given us an Ultimate Wrestler as well, promoting one of their talented athletes as a “Man of 1,000 Holds” to feed into our longing and appreciation for a Master Technician who really knows how to use his brain as well as his body to deliver the suffering.

Complex wrestling holds are not only painful, but also a bit insulting and degrading for the victim.  He clearly lacks the strength or the smarts to resist or untangle the human knot he’s been trapped in.  He has been bested and out-wrestled by the superior opponent.  His pathetic helpless state, as he cries for mercy against the relentless attacker, almost seems like he’s being violated — used and abused for the pleasure of the attacker.

Is there really a “Pretzel” hold that some bad-ass wrestler invented?  How entangled can our arms and legs really become until bones start to break?  And how much more interesting and complex could wrestling holds become if four bodies are in the mix instead of just two?  As you can see, I get a little obsessed when it comes to wrestling holds.  I better go outside and play now.