Lightning Rods

This classic Tag Team match, recently uploaded to YouTube, really got the Old School Rasslin’ neurons firing in the pleasure centers of my brain.  Check out the beefy heels who call themselves the “Jive Tones” — Shaska Whatley and Tiger Conway — looking masculine and spectacular in their skimpy, bulge-hugging briefs.  They are permitted to carry these phallic walking sticks to the ring, not because their legs are injured and they need assistance, but because nobody will dare to tell them “No.”

Their opponents are one of my favorite Ineffective Baby-Face teams of the era — the Lightning Express, Tim Horner and Brad Armstrong in sexy red trunks and heroic white boots.  Oh fuck yeah they’re gonna suffer!  Have these cuties EVER won a match?  Have you ever loved a couple of losers more than these two hapless pretty-boys?

Brad shines early in the match, flexing his impressive muscles and establishing himself as the more powerful lightning bolt on the Lightning Express team (implying that it’s not HIS fault they keep losing.)

However, we see Brad’s most effective weapon is his stroking Armbar, which Whatley sells erotically but which never can fully finish the opponent off.

After establishing control, Armstrong makes the mistake of tagging in Jobber Horner, who always gets beat down.

These teams present the stark contrasts in appearance and personality that sell themselves in the ring:  white pretty boys vs. mature black daddies, high-flyers vs. rule breakers, fit bodies vs. thick bodies, etc.

Let the Horner Abuse begin…

I dig Tim Horner, don’t get me wrong.  What I love most about him is his unceasing vulnerability, his willingness to check his ego and submit himself to any other man’s ownership and power.

One gets the sense that, if one met Tim Horner and brought him home, one might get to do whatever one wishes to this cute plaything.  Therein lies Tim Horner’s appeal — the submissiveness he evokes — the hope he offers to the viewer that the viewer, too, may one day get to dominate and own this pretty-boy, and not just in wrestling.

The Jive Tones’ domination over Tim Horner is fairly short-lived, sadly.  (Maybe they feared a race riot from the bigots at ringside.)

But it was just long enough to establish that Horner is the Jive Tones’ bitch, and to give everyone boners thinking about what THEY would do if they had Tim Horner at their mercy.

Brad uses his own partner as a weapon.

The red-clad heroes make a tag and begin working together, demonstrating the power and success achieved via a solid bond between two dudes.

Here Brad hoists his own partner up in Atomic Drop position, then drops his leg across Tiger Conway’s throat, which hurts much worse than if Horner had simply dropped the leg by himself.  Check out those matching white boots, accented with lightning bolts, on the muscular legs of our heroes.

The big stick is broken over Brad’s cranium.

So Brad attempts to win the match, pinning Tiger Conway chest-to-chest.  But the Jive Tones are dirty cheaters, so Whatley sneaks into the ring with his big hard stick in his hand.

CRACK!  He busts that rod across the back of Brad’s neck.  Rather than following the law of inertia and passing out where he lay, Brad is dazed and rolls off his nearly-defeated opponent.  How unfair!  The Lightning Express were finally within 3 seconds of victory, only to be cheated out of their prize!

Now Conway rolls on top in the dominant position, smothering poor Brad under his bulk.  Oh I love this — the unfairness and injustice of the situation, and the Alpha Male sexual dominance of the beefy studs over their helpless boy toys.  Damn I get into the seedy, salacious vibe that Old Timey rasslin’ evokes!

The cheaters prosper and exit the ring together, posing for the cameras with their arms raised in arrogant victory.  They play around with public displays of affection to further incite the audience, wrapping arms around necks with Conway gripping Whatley’s bald dome.

The implication is that their dominance over the Lightning Express has excited them both and earned them the right to this physical pleasure and public intimacy.  One is left to wonder whether their feelings of elation and playful groping will continue back in the locker room and result in further physical contact and celebration.  Who wouldn’t want to be a fly on that locker room wall, especially if Brad and Tim are also brought into the mix…??