Carnivores vs. Herbivores

This fun Indy Tag Team match was posted recently to YouTube channel for Mid-Valley Pro Wrestling.

The match presents a clash in lifestyles and body types.  The Heels, Raeth and Ryseck, embody masculine traits common in pro wrestling: power, confidence, and aggression.  They’re dressed in traditional purple and black spandex.

Their opponents, the Vegans, are lean and shirtless Hipsters with groomed beards and skinny jeans.

After the obligatory Baby-Face Shine by the Vegans, the Meat-Eaters assume control.  Vegan Nick’s helplessness contrasts nicely with Ryseck’s power.

The question posed by this match is whether the Modern Millenial Male with his leafy green diet, Yoga, and tolerant attitude can attain dominance over the aggressive, power hungry, harder working model of masculinity.  If you’re a Survivor fan, you know this same question is currently being explored Wednesday nights on CBS.

We see the brutish, manly Meat-Eaters with their commanding physiques begin to utterly punish poor Nick Radford.  His lean, grass-fed body is completely fragile.  His skinny jeans sag from the abuse, the waistband of his underwear peeking out.  We get the sense he might gain more muscle-mass and a greater chance of survival if he’d eat a juicy red steak now and then.

Once they’re firmly in command, Raeth and Ryseck employ all the old Double-Team bullshit that always delights us, just like the cocky, smooth-bodied, over-fed Heels that aroused Generation X wrestling fans back in the 1980s.

Here they perform some corny Bro Handshake then drop a pair of beautiful Elbow Smashes on helpless Nick’s naturally hairy chest.

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It certainly helps the entertainment value of the match that Vegan Nick is as cute as a button.  With his trim beard, bare chest, and tight skinny jeans, he rolls around in breathless agony each time he is Irish-Whipped against those unforgiving turnbuckles.

Nick will shoulder most of the burden for his team because his partner, Rusty, is clearly inexperienced and a bit awkward in the ring. They must’ve needed a lean body that looked good in jeans so they plucked him out of the audience. The smart-aleck commentators mock and taunt poor Rusty (while also noting several homo-erotic moments with remarks loaded with innuendo.)

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For example,  after this prolonged Skull-Fuck maneuver, the Heels proclaim “That move was NOT gay!” (which basically hangs a big rainbow flag on it.)  The commentators remark that the two opponents did not make eye contact, so technically it was not, in fact, gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

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Speaking of gay and nothing being wrong with that, check out these ringside views of Raeth in his skimpy purple spandex, watching his partner in action.  He shifts his weight from side to side, reaching back to hitch up his waistband.   Looking good there, Raeth.

The tone of the match is slapstick comedy, meant to crack up the youngsters at ringside.  But you may also notice plenty of homo-erotic innuendo and gay undertones if your brain is wired to spot it.  There are nut shots, Bro Hugs, lots of exposed male flesh, the Humping Headscissor (see above.)  You may assume only the mommies and daddies in the crowd will notice and be titillated by the queer sub-text, but it was these same sexually suggestive antics that I somehow sensed as a youngster and have craved ever since.

Before the match, both teams agreed to a rare stipulation.  If the Vegans lost, they would be forced to eat some chicken breast.  However, if the Carnivores lost, they would have to eat the fat-free, Gluten-free donuts favored by the Vegans.

Given the Heels’ dominance for most of the match, it appears Nick and Rusty better open wide and be ready to stuff some meat in their mouths.

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The Vegans somehow gain control and humiliate the Heels.  Ryseck falls between his partners open thighs, of course crashing his forehead right on target into his partner’s scrote.  Speaking of eating meat.

This scene amps up the comedic (and underlying homo-erotic) aspect of the match, the two men perhaps remaining in Face-to-Crotch position longer than necessary.

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That emasculation leads to the villains’ demise. The Hipsters win the match, celebrating with a bare-chested Bro Hug to demonstrate their Politically Correct, non-homo-phobic sensibilities.  But that’s not all — there is still a debt to be settled.

 

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To verify the rising power of the Millenial Generation, the Vegans put the bigger men away with Rear Naked Chokes in stereo (that’s HOT.)  Then Nick brings out a couple of their all-natural, high fiber donuts, which he stuffs in the Carnivores’ mouths.

The implication is that their healthy lifestyles and youthful optimism render the Vegans superior to the beefier, meatier Carnivores.  The jamming of food into the Heels’ unwilling mouths could be interpreted as a sexual imposition — the stuffing of something more meaty and less innocent than a mere vegan donut.  This shift in power, the dominance of the playful New School over the aggressive Old School — is what made this match entertaining for me.