Extreme Make-Over: Wrestling Edition

I was watching a wrestling video on YouTube recently (that’s what I do, especially when I’m feeling frisky) and this stunning blond viking entered the arena, with golden flowing locks, long beard, impressive physique, and abbreviated trunks.  It was one of those moments every wrestling lover feels where a New Guy bursts through the curtain and our predatory brain perks up and asks: “Who is THAT?!  Where can I find more of HIS matches??”

But this Thor wanna-be is not actually a New Guy at all.  They announced this wizened, long-bearded Norse God as “Ryan Slade” — who was a buff young Canadian Indy wrestler with awesome abs that I had gazed at in photos and videos for years.

But that Ryan Slade was dark-haired, and clean-cut, and always wore long leggings.  Could this be the same young, raven-haired Up-and-Comer now transformed into this glorious viking war-chief?

What a remarkable transformation and fresh new look for this long-time Indy star.  So far, I’m getting into the new version of Ryan Slade even more than the old version, for the rarity and exotic flavor of his unusual new look.

Slade’s opponent is AJ Smooth — a beefy brawler who has also been around the Indy scene for decades.  To emphasize his Bad Ass Heel persona, he’s grown a long Fu Manchu mustache that droops down to his jaw like Leatherman from the Village People.

Smooth & Slade had once been Tag Team partners (see below beefcake photo), so there may be some jealous grudges and passionate One-Ups-Manship behind the narrative of this match.

The fans gladly give up their seats for some close-up suffering.

There must be bad blood between these former partners, because Slade suddenly attacks Smooth from behind, then slams him into the chairs all around the arena.

As wrestling fans, we know Slade will pay for this abuse later in the battle, after the power shifts to Bad Boy Smooth.

I do enjoy the visuals of Slade in confident control — I think it’s that fantastic hair and beard built atop that sturdy frame.

If his gimmick is his hair, yank him all around by it.

AJ Smooth uses classic Canadian Heel tactics to take over control.  For example, he pulls Slade’s hair to master him, getting kinky and rough to keep his jobber subservient.

Here he snaps Slade backwards with a jolting yank on that golden mane.  Like the biblical Samson, Slade’s long hair proves to be his undoing.

Boots, bodies, and bulges are on display as Smooth executes this grabby Suplex, holding our Hero aloft so the blood rushes to his head.

I must say, AJ Smooth is very watchable in the tight speedo, his prominent bulge just inches from Slade’s supportive hand on his thigh.  With his super-sized manly physique and red trunks, Smooth reminds me of that icon of wrestling masculinity: Zangief.

Our blond hero is deflated as Smooth milks his strength away with a Shoulder Claw.

The Platinum Blond look has long been a tradition in pro wrestling, with some of the most powerful studs (usually arrogant Heels) dying their hair to the color of snow.  This adds a sense of vanity and femininity to their persona, as if to say: I’m so powerful and dominant in the ring, I can bleach my hair like a woman and STILL kick every man’s ass. 

The look adds sex appeal and star quality to the wrestler’s gimmick.  Would Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan have become two of the most popular and dominant champions of the 1980s if they hadn’t differentiated themselves by peacocking around the ring with golden locks?

I’m pleased to see Slade embracing the classic Blond Bomber tradition, keeping pro wrestling exotic, sexy, and sleazy by bleaching his hair until it glows under those bright lights.