Boxers or Briefs?

At the Ultimate Fighting Championship 133 event on August 6th, a fighter named Dennis “Superman” Hallman caused quite a stir when he entered the octagon and battled his opponent wearing simply a purple or bluish speedo with the words “Training Mask” on the crotch.  Yes, its a bold and revealing outfit, probably not appropriate for fighting, but we’ve seen pro wrestlers wear similar gear so it’s not that shocking.

Some people laughed, some were turned on, and some in attendance chanted “Put some clothes on!”  UFC fans are now talking and blogging about it.  His skimpy speedo has generated more interest and conversation about UFC than probably anything in it’s history — it certain stirred up the fans more than the fighting ever does.  I think what has been most interesting about his questionable choice in attire has been the outrageous, over-blown, venomous reaction from UFC leadership.

Let me answer a few of the burning questions I’m sure some of you want to know about.

Q. What is “Training Mask?”

A. A company that sells a gas-mask which restricts oxygen and simulates high altitude to improve lung capacity of athletes in training.  They also, obviously, sponsor athletes and pay to have their name printed on gear.

Q. What happened in the fight?

A. Apparently it was very one-sided and short.  The speedo guy, Hallman, was quickly taken down for some painful “ground and pound” and defeated by T.K.O. in the first round by his opponent, Brian Ebersole (who wore baggy shorts like most MMA fighters.)    I sure wish Hallman would have won.

By the way, with that eye-catching physique and bleach blond hair (and the nickname of “Superman”), Hallman seems more like a pro wrestler than an MMA fighter.

Q. Why did Hallman wear such a revealing outfit?

He claims he lost a bet — he can’t recall what the bet was about — and the penalty was to fight in a speedo. But he’s also a bit of a show-off with his body, for example wearing bulging Superman undies for the weigh-in, so maybe he’s the one that stipulated that the loser of the bet must fight in a speedo so he’d have a reason or excuse for doing so.

Q. Does UFC endorse, approve, or oversee the clothing worn by its athletes?

A. They may start monitoring the clothing more carefully after this incident. Dana White, the president of UFC, said in interviews that he is furious, disgusted, embarrassed, and swears a speedo like this will never be seen in the octagon again.  (But Mr. White — is that really a wise move for the popularity of your sport?)  White even paid a $70,000 bonus to the winner, Brian Ebersole, for quickly finishing the fight and getting Hallman off the broadcast ASAP!  He is angry with his staff who must have seen Hallman before the fight but didn’t require him to put on more clothing, and he may cut Hallman from the roster for his unwise clothing choice (and for repeatedly losing).

A reporter did point out to Dana White that pro wrestlers and other athletes such as swimmers and tri-athletes wear the same, or even skimpier, attire — to which White replied: “Maybe it was a Speedo, but Speedos weren’t meant to have a cup the size of a helmet stuffed in them.  I think he was overdoing it on the cup, too.  It was bad. It was as bad as bad can be.”  (Jealous much??)

Q.  Was there a wardrobe malfunction?

A.  Yes, apparently.  While struggling with his opponent, Ebersole’s elbow pressed against the crotch of the speedo and some say you could see Hallman’s junk for an instant.  The sport of MMA is already on the defensive because some people say it looks gay — two dudes rolling around grabbing each other — and this penis-slip certainly didn’t help to minimize the gay-dar alarms going off.

Q.  What has been the reaction from the fans?

A. All over the board, as you can imagine, but mostly humorous or negative:

“Why? Why? I cant watch”

“are those shorts even legal? weird.”

“It was disgusting and repulsive. But, the fact that he had the balls to do it was funny and it’s funny when Dana gets angry.”

“Dana is jealous that Hallman wears a larger cup size.  Props to Hallman for giving the ladies some eye candy”

“dana white is a humorless dick”

“It was hilarious and Hallman rules for doing it but he will get cut.”

“I didnt pay 50 bucks last night to get a good laugh. I paid it to see great fights. Not to see some d bag in tiny shorts. I was so happy that he got his a** kicked though.”

Q. OK, these briefs are not functional for the octagon, but why do people get so angry and hateful and insulting when a guy  chooses to show off his body?

A. I think for women, it represents a threat.  The penis is an icon for power, and women experience what Freud called “penis envy.”  Feminists therefore want to suppress any sign or sight of the male organ to weaken men, to equalize men with women.  They use mockery and humiliation to get men to cover up in shame and thereby gain psycho-sexual power over men.  Thus, board shorts were invented for swimming suits and became mandatory for all boys.

Also, women demand to be the object of attraction and certainly don’t want any competition for the attention of their mate.  That’s why women fear and hate beautiful women — and men.  If revealing gear and a perfect physique can potentially capture the interests of other men, it decreases the mates available for the woman. Therefore, insulting, silly, degrading names like Banana Hammock, Budgie Smuggler, Manties, etc. are used to describe this type of suit (which are not, incidentally, applied to similar briefs worn by women) to prevent men from wearing them and possibly arousing each other.

For men, there may be jealousy that this guy has a better body and more sex appeal, so he may be able to attract all the women.  Men are competitive and hate cocky, confident men.  He could also beat up most men who laugh at him, so they fear and hate him.  Making fun of his clothing is an easy target for degrading him and hopefully preventing any females within earshot from lusting for him.

Also, some men may have liked what they see, but they don’t want anyone to know about that.  They can hardly admit it to themselves.  Forcing the spectacular male to cover up — or paying someone $70,000 to eliminate him — removes the threat of being attracted to him.  If men were 100% uninterested in other men (100% hetero-sexual), then they should barely notice what he is wearing and should have zero reaction to seeing his body.  It should be just neutral, like looking at the body of a cat.  But having a violent, hateful reaction is a sign that something about him caught your eye.  Why are you noticing his body at all, and having any reaction at all, if you’re totally straight?

Go to any store that sells underwear, and you’ll find many revealing, colorful styles for sale.  Someone is buying them — or the store wouldn’t carry them.  So I would guess that many men must secretly enjoy wearing revealing briefs, at least in private, and/or the woman is buying briefs to see her husband wearing them.  So people act offended when they see someone in skimpy briefs, but secretly enjoy the style in private.  Any man that complains about the skimpy clothing worn by another man should be forced to immediately dump out his underwear drawer in public.

Q.  So if Hallman’s outfit was so disgusting and inappropriate, why are pro wrestlers permitted to wear similar trunks, and nobody complains or makes fun of them?

A. I think some people do scream insults and make fun of wrestling trunks.  But a pro wrestler doesn’t care, he wears them anyway.  He is confident and comfortable in his skin.  He is proud of his masculinity and unapologetic.  You can stare at his body and his bulge all day long, he doesn’t care. Nobody can shame him into hiding himself.

He knows that he looks good, and he knows that you like what you see.  Even while you’re mocking him, he knows you dig it — so he may even blow a kiss or shake his ass for the most vehement and outspoken homophobes in the audience.  Wink, wink.

Pro wrestlers say they wear tight trunks so they can move about easily and quickly, just as swimmers wear speedos to move faster in the water.  Also, they point out that their opponent can’t grab them or throw them by pulling on clothing if all they’re wearing is tight trunks.  But isn’t it ironic that the exact same style that is considered ideal for wrestling has now been deemed inappropriate or non-functional for cage fighting — and the nature of the activities are almost identical in both sports.

I think pro wrestlers “get it” (and Dennis Hallman gets it) that an important part of any performance is sex appeal.  Yes, people want to see action, but part of an entertainer’s job is to titillate and flirt with the fans.  This is why most stand-up comics tell dirty jokes and talk about sex — people like to go there.

So if UFC fires Hallman, he should probably look for work in the pro wrestling ring.  He’s already got the bleached hair, is in great shape, and wouldn’t need much training, and he would be more than welcome — even encouraged — to wear his “Training Mask” briefs in the ring for each and every match.