May the Sleaziest Man Win

I suppose Joey Ryan is trying to be comical when he enters the ring flaunting his hairy chest and spandexed bulge, his legs spread open on the ropes to invite our gaze.  It’s as if he’s saying, “Ha ha, we know you fans check out our bodies and bulges, so here ya go, perverts!”

Well I don’t think it’s funny — I always find it to be pretty fucking hot and I wish every wrestler did that with his legs on his way through the ropes.

 

For this MLW match recently uploaded to YouTube, Joey’s opponent is the amazing, endlessly arrogant and talented MJF — Maxwell Jacob Friedman in a royal purple speedo.  Much more about him later.

And on the microphone is Matt Striker, no stranger to tight, bulging trunks himself.  He tells us in his growling voice how sleazy and dirty and disease-ridden Joey Ryan is, but you can tell that he doth protest too strongly.  For example, when Joey inserts his used sucker into the mouth of a (male) fan at ringside, Striker says: “Ew.  Don’t do that.” but you can tell he is not really that disgusted, and maybe thirsty for a big red sucker himself.

Even for a Joey Ryan match, which always veers queer (he calls it “Dong Style” and I hope it catches on), this match is chock full of homo-erotic scenes and images.  The candy sucking, the body oil, the abbreviated trunks — are they really trying to amuse us and make us laugh here, or are they actually presenting a full-on, Underground style wrestle-porn video worthy of BG East?  It’s not gay, it’s silly.  Ha ha — wink, wink.

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Part of the reason I dig MJF (beyond his swole body and willingness to wear the tightest of spandex bottoms) is his classic Heel antics.  For example, he dusts off ye olde Shake-My-Hand, You-Can-Trust-Me gimmick, which Joey wisely refuses.

I ain’t seen this old gimmick since there was dignity in politics.  As if anyone would be stupid enough to trust this snake!  This campy shit made me crazy in the 1970’s and it still does now.  And this older fan loves MJF for calling it back.

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After all the flirting and foreplay, they eventually get down to rasslin.  MJF focuses his attack on one body part — Joey’s left arm — another traditional pro wrestling staple that MJF understands and respects.

Joey plays along, selling the arm dramatically as if his humerus has been shattered in 6 places already.

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Here is part of the reason I believe the crowd hates MJF in his Heel role — because the audience was getting off on Joey’s sexual antics (e.g., dripping oil on his cock, sticking suckers in dudes’ mouths) it was a fuckin blast!  They were titillated.

Yet along comes this mean buzz-kill who shuts down our gay orgy, cock-blocking Joey from continuing to flirt with us and damaging poor Joey’s arm until he couldn’t caress his hairy chest even if he wanted to.

So some people in the audience may say “Ew.  Don’t do that” in reaching to Joey’s flamboyance to mask their closeted fascination, but the real hatred of this crowd for this gay-bashing MJF proves that everyone was kind of feeling boned up by Joey before his cock-stirring antics were shut down.  The modern-day pro wrestling audience is gayer than you may think, and there is nothing wrong with that.

And the below Armbar by MJF by the way is just as awesome and intense — just as visually stirring — as any that Brad or Ricky ever applied.  Long live classic pro wrestling!

There were some Hope Spots from Joey — it wasn’t s a totally one-sided squash.  For example, I captured a really nice pin attempt by Joey and didn’t know where else in this write-up to stick it in, so here you go…

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And then there was this homo-erotic spot — MJF stunned and staggering, on the brink of falling into Joey’s waiting package. Joey laying spread-eagle, just drawing him in with the power of the penis.

The audience wants it so bad they can taste it.  Eventually MJF gives them what they want — his face on Joey’s bulge.

Is homo-phobia dead?  I thought straight males detest man-on-man sexual contact in public — not cheer for it?!   By the way, you can read a detailed write-up of this match by another blogger than contains a couple more animations — including a better one of the dreaded Head-to-Head collision.

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 MJF spits on Joey’s chest, gouges his eyes, plays innocent for the ref, and dances a cocky little dance, pissing us off six ways to Sunday in a matter of a few seconds.

I’m telling you, this fucker is Christmas Morning when it comes to Heels.  He is out-sleazing the “King of Dong Style.”

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One queer tactic Joey uses to win matches is to pull a hidden sucker out from under his ball-sack and jamming it in the dude’s mouth.

Before the victim can get over the swampy taste, Joey normally kicks the sucker-stick to ram it down the dude’s throat.   He calls it “Sweet Tooth Music.” Its rapey and raunchy, but also very effective.

What Joey didn’t count on tonight was that MJF perhaps has a taste for sour apple suckers.  MJF suckles Joey’s phallic lollipop in his mouth for the remainder of the match.

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Then MJF implements a violent-looking “Package Shoulder-Breaker” to put an end to all the grab-ass and sucker-play once and for all.

The moral of this story is that, in the end, the wrestling ring (and the world) still belong to tough, no-nonsense Real Men, not to candy suckers who enjoy rubbing oil on their bodies.

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Sucker still in his mouth, MJF dives on the injured Ryan to defeat him.

Rather than coming off as silly, this match provided more of a flirty, gay atmosphere that really made it enjoyable to watch.

 

 

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