Houston, You Have a Problem

One of the YouTube channels I follow recently posted a series of matches from 1995 featuring Paul Orndorff (what a  yummy gorilla Heel!) squashing cute young Barry Houston in his baby-blue tights and tall white jobber boots.

I was impressed by Orndorff’s power and destructiveness in these squash matches and I greatly enjoyed Houston’s enthusiastic selling.  Also, seeing these two get together multiple times, performing much the same moves each time, creates the sense that they’re learning each other’s favorite holds and preferred positions, like a pair of lovers feeling out over time what the other enjoys.

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Barry Houston was a cute guy with a tall fit body and long legs.  I would’ve preferred him in trunks of course, but he always wore tights.

Still, whenever I saw him in the ring back in the 1990s, I’d always hit record on the old VCR so I could later review his suffering.

(For my younger readers to understand, we used to have these recording devices called VCRs hooked to our televisions on which we would tape the hottest wrestling matches to watch and beat off to later.)

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Their first match was from 4/15/95 with the fans chanting the name “Paula” at Orndorff to emasculate him.

He is further degraded by Houston’s relentless Wrist Twisting.  Each time Mr. Wonderful balls up his fist, Houston cranks that arm to subdue him again like a whipped dog.  Seeing this He-Man so completely degraded is a definite turn-on.

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But of course Houston must pay for his sins later.  Orndorff soon gains control and stomps the jobber’s noggin about 7 times to humble him.

Mr. Wonderful would then proceed to rip the young jobber limb from limb and I loved every minute of it.

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Look at how Houston suffers after this fist to the face.  He crawls on his knees and sprawls against the ropes like he’s been blinded.  He holds a hand protectively over his eye, looking at his palm to see if he’s bleeding or not.  It’s little flourishes like this that make me just adore a jobber.

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Oh man, what a cool but dangerous fucking move!  This is getting too rough.  Did Orndorff intend to Suplex the poor kid right onto the ropes, or was that a botch??

I guess THIS is why you shouldn’t make an Alpha Male like Orndorff look like a pussy by twisting his arm until he kneels before you.

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Then Orndorff unleashes his Pile-Driver and I watch in awe, wondering how poor Barry Houston survived it.  After seeing this devastating move, I instantly forgive Orndorff for all of his arrogance and cruelty.

After all, I’d better respect him and cheer for him or he might decide to do to THAT to my poor spine!

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As if that Pile-Driver footage wasn’t disturbing and horrifying enough, they show us a replay.  In slow motion.  We see Houston flop around like a fish out of water, or like a man who just suffered a serious spinal injury.

They’re absolutely fetishizing violence, helplessness, and agony by repeatedly showing us this killer move.  And it works on me — I am horny for Orndorff’s Pile-Driver.

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Their second match was a couple of months later on 6/17/95.   Ordorff wore his thick yellow trunks again, but Barry changed to his famous Loverboy costume, with red hearts all over his legs and boots.

As if he didn’t come off as a big sissy already — now he goes and pastes red hearts all over his legs!

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Orndorff gives the poor kid another Corner-Plex.  Ouch!  I do not remember Orndorff using this move against anybody else.  He must’ve figured Barry could handle the pain and danger.

Orndorff was way ahead of his time with this move.  We see the bad-ass modern wrestlers like the Ring of Honor guys Suplex their opponents dangerously into the corner, but sure I don’t remember anybody (other than Mr. Wonderful) attempting this move back in the 1990s.

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Then it’s Pile-Driver time, and Orndorff is again presented as an unbeatable and powerful monster who gives zero fucks about his helpless opponent’s health and wellness.

Clearly Houston deserves this level of painful degradation for twisting Orndorff’s arm early in the match, and for pasting a bunch of red hearts all over his tights.

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As if he just can’t get enough of Mr. Wonderful’s abuse, Barry Houston again wrestled Orndorff on 9/30/95, and again twisted his wrist in circles to piss him off and humiliate him.

At this time, Orndorff was working a Flamboyant Narcissist gimmick, like a Gorgeous George character.  He wears bright pink trunks and gazes at himself in a gilded mirror.

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I must say, the Flamboyant Narcissist gimmick is not really working for Orndorff.  This is because he is not a Prancing Sissy like Gorgeous George.  He’s a fuckin Real Man and always should be portrayed as such.

Check out how Houston keeps his arms glued to the top rope so Orndorff can slug him — I love jobbers who do that!

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For the rest of the match, everything that Houston does presents Orndorff as a devastating stud (and himself as a submissive wimp.)   Here he endures a big fist to the belly which leaves him flopping on the floor.

Having fought him over and over, we get the sense that Orndorff has mastered him, teaching him his role through repeated punishment and convincing him mentally and psychologically that he has no hope.  We get the sense that Orndorff could take this jobber home to use him as a house slave after so many rounds of abuse.

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Houston’s fate is the same every time — his long legs hoisted up into the air, adding downward pressure to the Pile-Driver maneuver.

This has been a series of very one-sided mismatches, yet poor, dumb Houston keeps coming back for more abuse and punishment from this hulking beast.  That’s kind of sexy if you think about it.