“I Like Those Trunks, Man!”

Back in my November 14th article, “Randy Is Out!”, I wrote about how excited I was to see Randy Orton wrestle Drew McIntyre on the upcoming episode of Raw. I just knew it would be homo-erotic and sexy and very fun to watch. I sure wasn’t wrong — their match was a banger of coded gay sub-text and queer vibes that I greatly enjoyed!

It kicked off with Drew’s entrance into the arena, sticking his long pointy sword in the air as he sashays to the ring wearing a kilt. A fuckin SWORD, man! And behind him, we see two crossed swords of equal length and girth. Drew only possesses one sword, so why does the logo feature two swords?? Let’s just say, if two guys tell you they’ve been sword fighting, they’re definitely not angry with each other…

Then Randy strolls in and the men start eye-fucking each other. Randy then shrugs off his vest with a little flirty smile as he stares unblinking into Drew’s eyes.

There are just so many gay moments, I’m like a kid in a candy store. OK, let me focus on just 5 of the most homo-suggestive scenes that made me think they’re performing this match for OUR enjoyment in particular…

#1: Drew’s Trunk Reveal

They’re standing face to face when Drew suddenly whips off his kilt to reveal a stunning pair of black trunks with blue accents to match the kilt. Then Orton says exactly what I was thinking at that moment!

It’s such a delicious, friendly, intimate moment between the two combatants as they check each other out. I mean, who among us hasn’t met another dude to strip down and wrestle and remarked on his gorgeous trunks? And when you say that you like his trunks, aren’t you really saying you like what’s INSIDE those trunks?? That’s the sense I’m getting here as they grin coyly at each other.

They really are beautiful trunks. I award an A+ grade to whoever designed them. And I absolutely like what’s inside them…

#2: All The Orgasmic Back-Selling

Both wrestlers try to bust their opponent’s back, inflicting numerous Power-Slams and Table-Slams and Chair-Strikes to the spine. When on the receiving end, both wrestlers perform dramatic over-sells of sheer agony (or ecstasy?), arching their hips up as they groan and squirm, looking like they’re trying to hump the ceiling.

Here you can see some nice examples by Randy, who acts as if he’s having a brain-exploding orgasm each time following each Body-Slam! Later on, Drew will sell his back pain just as provocatively (However, Drew’s examples happen to fall under other categories, see below…)

There is just something sexual about a dude pumping his hips and groaning loudly, his face all scrunched up like he can’t endure it any more. The best Baby-Faces perform the Bridging Back-Pain gimmick frequently because they know that the fans enjoy it.

I don’t believe that I’m the only wrestling fan who notices the erotic appeal of a Back Arch. For example, somebody commissioned the Spotland Scrappers video company to film a custom match featuring dozens of Slam-And-Arch moves (and it’s probably the sexiest video they’ve ever produced, in my mind.) I blogged about this video in my 7/27/18 article, “Playing Bridge.” Here is just one example:

Drew and Randy’s match reminds me of the Spotland Scrappers video because of all the dramatic, bulge-raising Back Bridges.

#3: The Chair Scene

After Randy gets Headbutted in the face (which is called the “Glasgow Kiss” — a fairly gay name for a wrestling move), he begins to scamper backstage to escape. But then they announce that this match is now No Disqualification, which entices Randy to go back to the ring with a chair and commence pummeling poor Drew (who tosses his head back and squirms around wonderfully after each shot!)

But things get extra queer when Randy pauses the match to kneel over the other man, leaning on the chair to watch Drew suffer before him for a few sexually-charged moments.

Damn, these guys have great chemistry together — no wonder they keep “feuding”!

Why does the above image seem sexual to me?? I guess because this is what lovers do: stare into the other person’s face to observe every sensation they’re feeling, to clock the effect you’re having on their body and brain. And your lover might put on a show as you watch, arching and moaning and squirming to let you know — yup, this is INTENSE! Randy’s close observation of Drew’s performative reactions seems more intimate to me than if they French kissed right now.

#4: The Desk Scene

The action spills out of the ring and Randy slams Drew onto the announcer’s desk. Drew sprawls across the desk so we can devour his beefy physique with our hungry Male Gaze:

Then Randy can’t resist climbing on top of Drew to frot against his hairy body and pull his hair and growl threats in his ear. Is nobody else noticing how explicitly homo-erotic this is?!?

I had been thinking that the queer aspects of this match are “hidden in plain sight” — coded as a hard-fought sports competition rather than soft-core porn. However, after this Desk Scene, I’m feeling this is no longer sub-text — it’s outright text!

They actually take turns slamming one another on the desk three or four times. Either they’re trying to smash the desk and it won’t give way, or this is pure Fan Service for a certain segment of the audience that enjoys looking at muscular shirtless dudes sprawled across desks. Thanks guys!

#5: The Money Shot

Throughout the match, Drew does a good job offering us little peeks and glances at it. He teases us here and there, saving the best for last. It’s like he’s coaxing a hungry dog to follow him by holding out a juicy bone, then pulling it away if the dog gets too close.

But after Randy succumbs to Drew’s stunning Claymore Kick, we reach the climactic finish. Drew presses his hips majestically upward as he pins the Champ and the camera zooms right in on his big Money Shot — no more messing around!

I’ve noticed this before when they present the Look-At-My-Crotch gimmick in a WWE match: they provide side-views and quick cut-aways throughout the match, just teasing us with the camera always at the wrong angle or too far away from the action. But boy oh boy, when they’re ready to enact the final pinfall, dude’s big bulge and spread-open legs are invariably front and center and the camera is no longer shy at that point.

Well there you have it — one of the most explicit and sexy matches (and feuds) I’ve seen on WWE in a while. Just when we thought WWE had grown too stale and straight-friendly to endure watching, Randy and Drew give Raw’s ratings a boost by performing this consensual wrestle-porn scene.

Maybe they read this Blog so they knew how much I was anticipating some really hot action. That was nice of them to throw in all this extra gay stuff just for me — good looking out!