Driven

Long before I knew what a pile driver was (meaning the construction tool for forcing posts into the ground), I already knew all about the Piledriver (meaning the wrestling move where you drive your jobber’s head into the mat).

This hold appears absolutely deadly as the inverted and helpless victims are spiked directly and abruptly onto the tops of their heads.  Ouch!  Then they’d  sell the agony of their spinal cord injury by twitching around or becoming paralyzed or unconscious, often needing to be stretchered out and, I assumed, taken straight to a hospital to be put in traction.  What a way to make a living!

Many federations banned this deadly hold due to the ruinous effects it had on the hapless victims and their fragile necks, which made it seem even more abhorrent and cruel when wrestlers ignored the ban and pile-drove some fan-favorite anyway (which seemed to happen about 3 times a month despite the strict ban.)  And for some sadistic bastards, piledrivers were like potato chips: one was never enough!  They’d drag the dazed victim up by the hair, hoist him upside-down again, and crash his noggin into the mat a second or third time as the announcers groused in angry outrage, the ring bell clanged repeatedly, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Who does that to another human??

The Pile Driver was treated as the ultimate and most punishing finishing move.  All of this drama and mystique left an impressionable young wrestling fan in awe of this unnecessary brutality and a bit fearful of the cruel brutes like Mr. Wonderful who would paralyze another poor jobber every week.  (Who would be foolish enough to risk their neck getting in the ring with this muscular killer?  Or were they somehow forced by the promoter?)

A hobby among modern wrestlers seems to be finding creative ways to make the Piledriver even more punishing and potentially destructive.  This sick competition is like walking a tight-rope while juggling knives at the same time, because simply walking the tight-rope wasn’t quite dangerous enough.  Some bad boys tangle up and restrain the victims in unusual ways, others incorporate foreign objects to smash the opponent down onto (as opposed to the soft, springy mat), and still others bring a partner into the mix for a little menage-a-tois.