Belt Me

Professional athletes are ego-maniacs.  So are TV stars, artists, actors, and guys with really good bodies.  Pro wrestlers, as a combo of all of the above, are probably the most arrogant, selfish, proud group of strutting peacocks in the world. To further stoke their egos, to verify their sense of superiority, they are awarded shiny, expensive belts when they win a championship.  The belt is the ultimate prize, the reason the wrestler joined this business (along with the money, fame, fan-worship, and tail.)

There is nothing subtle about a wrestling belt.  It’s meant to scream: “I’m NUMBER ONE!  In your FACE!”   Except for boxing, no other sport awards the winner with such an obnoxious, garish, in-your-face symbol of his dominance.  Some sports give their champion a trophy or cup, but you just stick those on the mantel instead of wearing them on your body all the time like a belt.  Some sports have big rings or medals, but these do not compare to the pure size, weight, and bling of a pro rasslin’ strap. Wearing a wrestling belt is like wearing a sign that flashes “I’m better than YOU!” in bright neon letters. I wish my work gave us Ten Pounds of Gold (as Ric Flair called his belt) for being Employee of the Month.  You better believe I’d be strutting into every staff meeting with that big belt over my shoulder and plopping it down between my coffee cup and laptop just to remind everyone, in case they forgot, of who is The Man (at least for the month).

Most wrestlers are built sturdy and thick, busting out of their trunks with over-sized muscles.  Whatever you give them to celebrate their strength must accentuate their powerful physiques.  It needs to be heavy, wide, metal, and expensive.  The sash and tiara they give to Miss America is not going to look right on a wrestler’s body.  An oversized gold and leather belt the size of a dinner platter, riding just above his package and rising up to his sternum like a warrior’s shield sure does the job.

Putting a belt around a wrestler’s waist is like putting a crown on a king’s head.  He carries himself with more pride, a superior sense of importance, a measure of pride.  And with all the wrestling federations now in business, and the half-dozen or more belts each one provides for the athletes to fight over, there must be a few thousand dudes strutting around feeling important with these shiny golden fashion accessories at any one time.  And just as the wrestler’s bodies keep getting better and better looking each year, so do the belts.