Revenge of the Nerd

The Webmaster of the Jobber Humiliation blog recently mentioned his idea for a new story, a tale of revenge where a nerd dominates the stud who has been picking on him.  “The geek hooks up with a local wrestler or promoter and they slowly transform the stud into a destroyed jobber.”

I think I see aspects of his upcoming story in the recent match on WWE Smackdown between the nerdy misfit Daniel Bryan, and cool kid Zack Ryder.

Ryder is a confident Bro with his conventional good looks, spiked hair, and a cocky “WOO!  WOO!  WOOO!” catch-phrase.  He seems like your smart-ass classmate who would make noises behind the teacher’s back, then point at someone else for doing it.  Daniel Bryan, on the other hand, portrays a clumsy goofball, his beard too shaggy like a goat, his eyes a little scary.  Daniel Bryan is acting like a troll and doing a great job at it!

Apparently Bryan has been seeing a psychologist for his anger problems.  Ryder begins the match by taunting the nerd of course and getting the crowd to chant “YES!  YES!  YES!”  in order to mock poor Bryan.  Like any lynch mob, the crowd is all too eager to join in the bullying and humiliation.  Meanwhile, Bryan reacts just like many nerds when you push them too far — he explodes in a devastating (and possibly deadly) rage.

Bryan realizes that his rage was out of control and drops to his knees to calm down and beg forgiveness.

Ryder is surprised by this tactic.  What are you doing, Bro?!  Are we here to fight or what?  Are you some kind of weirdo??

In the most shocking scene I’ve witnessed in the wrestling ring this year, Bryan asks for a hug!   What is going on here??   Let’s hug it out, bitch — really??  I guess that’s what modern, cool, well-adjusted men do, right?  We hug it out.  If you’re comfortable with your sexuality, it’s no big deal, right? (But who seeks a hug in the middle of a wrestling match when you’re supposed to be fighting?  And who asks for a hug when both men are, gasp, shirtless and nearly naked??)

Ryder, as the fan-pleasing Good Guy, must agree to his opponent’s unusual request.  The ideal relationship in pro wrestling is the homo-social relationship, so the Good Guy always must embrace the masculine ideal, hug other men, and act generally friendly and forgiving.  And what could be more homo-social than a Bro Hug?!  (Meanwhile, plenty of the fans are thinking: “Damn that lucky Daniel Bryan!  Who wouldn’t want a little lovin’ from Ryder…”)

They press their bodies together like two puzzle pieces perfectly matched, at first awkwardly, but then with increasing warmth and acceptance.  I’ve seen it all now!

So what are the lessons of this bizarre scene?  That men can work through their differences, overcome their Gay Panic, and realize male-on-male intimacy?  That the nerd and the cool kid can forget their anger and become friends?  That hugging another dude is nothing to be ashamed of?  That shirtless pro wrestlers are certainly a turn-on when they get in an embrace and hold on tight?

Even without me hitting the “Pause” button repeatedly, the embrace continues for an extended period of time.  Two men could not possibly get any closer together.

But true intimacy of a romantic nature is forbidden between men.  They can’t hug for TOO long or the line is crossed from homo-social (safe) to homo-erotic (DANGER!).  Therefore, Bryan soon reveals his true nature, breaking up the embrace to slam Ryder to the mat and apply a painful STF headlock.  Was this nerd just setting a trap for the cool kid, luring him into a Man Hug to exploit his vulnerability and trusting nature?

You can check out this match on YouTube — the big hug begins at about 7:25 and lasts about 8 seconds.

In the eyes of the audience, Ryder is the Hero because he embraced the homo-social ideal and agreed to the hug.  Bryan soon rejected the male-male relationship that wrestling fans crave by pushing away his Bro, and is therefore pegged as the Villain.

After forcing the submission, the wild, out-of-control freak re-applies the deadly hold.  The bell has rung, he has been granted his victory over the bully, yet his anger is not satisfied.  (Damn I love post-match attacks and lately, WWE has been feeding them to me again and again like a bagful of nice greasy potato chips…)

And what does Bryan’s unwarranted attack teach us?  That man-on-man intimacy can never be sustained?  That these nerds and misfits are uncontrollable and we need to be wary of their crazy, deadly outbursts?  That Anger Management never really works, and we’re all in danger of some lunatic suddenly going postal?

If this nerd was hoping for some kind of redemption, some acceptance from society after standing up for himself, he is soon disappointed.  The ref strips him of his victory and the crowd chants “Yes! Yes! Yes!” to taunt him until he collapses in humiliation.  This match teaches us that the nerd who does not conform to the homo-social ideal of our Alpha Male-dominated society can never win.  Only the Cool Kids, the dominant studs, the tan musclemen with white teeth and attractive hairstyles are acceptable.  The freak may gain a victory through deceit, but in the end, the tribe only worships Alpha Males.